Christian Woman

Happy Christian Women Week my soul sistas.

When I say that 'I am a Christian,' I am not shouting that I am clean living; I'm whispering 'I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say "I am a Christian," I don't speak of this with pride; I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success; I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect; my flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain; I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

In all reality I do feel the truth in these words. When you've experienced God, there's no turning back. Yes there's still your past, but thats the past! No it won't be easy, but whoever said that anything was ever easy! Yes believe that when you put God first He will do mighty works.

This is who I am world, a woman after God's own heart.

Peace+Love

ll

Trying

I have to think on the friends level. Nothing more can start if its not on the friends level. God, give me the strength to work on friends first. I'm trying hard to not get my feelings into it. Trying is the key word.

To be continued...

Who I Am Now

Its been a long hiatus friends, but I'm back. I'm a whole different person than I was in May. I'm stronger through my pain and struggles. I becoming someone who I can understand now.

The last time I've seen or heard from him was in August. I have not missed him since. Everytime I retell my story I relive the hurt, but it quickly gets overthrown by my feelings of thankfulness that God pulled me out of that distructive relationship.

I'm now 23 not anywhere close to being married. But God has a beautiful love story for me. Its just waiting for me around the corner. In the meantime I'm spending my days getting to know myself in Christ and unraveling this new me.

A dear friend introduced me to this song and it is very appropriate to where I am now - A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans [tweaked by LL].

And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you
turn around and a month's gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not givin' you an hour or a second
or another minute longer.
I'm busy gettin' stronger.

I'm gettin' on without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm gettin' stronger without you baby.

Get a little more stronger.
Just little more stronger.
A little bit; a little more;
a whole lot stronger.
I am now stronger.


Peace+Love
ll

Lead Me

What makes you think that doing what you did was ok.

What makes you think that we don't care.

What makes you think that your actions have no consequences.

What makes you think that its fair.

Now a dear friend has to go through the same nasty thing I did. Why. Why. Men you need to end it. Just end it now. It was bad with me and now someone else? When is it ever going to stop? End it now. All it does is breaks dreams, people and self-esteem. All it does is creates pain, tears, anger, and fears. All it does is makes it hard to trust someone again, to love someone again.

But you know what - the more I move forward the more I see that it was a blessing in painful disguise. Would I want you to lie next to me but not really be there? No. Would I want you to ruin our marriage? No. Would I want you to walk out on our kids? No. So even though I felt the pain, I know that I am starting to feel the blessings too, and I know that I'll continue to feel the blessings tomorrow and all the days to come.

I know you're out there my God-chosen husband-to-be. And I know that no one is perfect. But what I need is for you to notice, realize and try. Because as my best friend, my caring partner, my loving husband, a man of God and spiritual leader I need you to love and lead our family, I need you to love me and lead me...

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

I can't wait til the day you and I can be together and start the greatest journey of our lives.

Love + Peace - ll

If We Ever Meet Again

Just hearing from you sets me back a little. But thats when I remind myself of all that happened and its easier to forget about you.

I'll never be the same if we ever meet again - This is true, but for me its a different meaning than the original. I'm not who you knew all through our run. I'm not who you broke that day you said you were done with me. I'm not who you saw that day I cried a river in your arms. That me, that weaker more vulnerable me, has gone away and I thank you. Lyrics below with my edits.

I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again

[Just turn and walk] away - said if we ever meet again

This free fall's, got me so

[Your own loss that you let me go]

I'll never be the same

If we ever meet again.

Love + Peace - ll

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Forward

I still care about you. That's why every time I hear from you my heart melts and I just want to be with you again. But don't you know that what you did to me was wrong. You lied. You deceived. You played. You gave me every line in the book to make me believe that I was doing something wrong. It wasn't me though, it was you.

I don't understand what happened and I probably never will. But my life is finally coming around again. I'm finding myself. I'm laughing again. I doing things and actually doing them not just talking about them. I'm getting to spend quality time with friends and family. I'm growing closer to God and finding out what He has planned for me. I'm doing great and enjoying every moment of each day.

I will always be here for you whenever you need me. But because of the decisions you've made, I can no longer see you genuinely.

I keep you in my prayers, for you to get your life together and really know God. He's the only one that can help you, nothing or no one else. 1 John 2:4-6

--

Thank you to all my friends that have been the so great and supportive, to those who let me cry and tells me it can only get better, to those who keep me strong and moving forward. I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you for allowing me to lean on you...

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...

Love + Peace - ll

Healing Begins

Every single time I start thinking about him and everything all that was, its war and I've got the biggest baddest weapon around - my JMan Jesus.

Tenth Avenue North's song Healing Begins had me in tears several times today. I'm starting to heal and it feels good.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Love + Peace - ll

What I Have Now

One step back, two steps forward. One step forward, three steps back. My steps aren't matching up. But from now on, I've decided (with the help of friends) that my steps must be forward and forward on. I get myself hurt with all this backwards talk over and over again. Its time for a change.

Today is a new day and I've deleted you from my life. I pray that you'll get your life straight and figured out again, but I can't be there for you much more than that.

Thank you to all my friends who have reminded me constantly that my value is worth so much more and that God will give me the right man at the right time. One that will treat me the way I deserve and that will love me despite all. One that will laugh with me and that will protect me. One that will learn with me and build me up (spiritually, physically, mentally). The time I have now is dedicated to you all, to build better and greater friendships, to learn new things, and to discover my true calling in Christ. Thank you for being patient with me and there for me. I will return the favor - be sure of that!

I know that my New York dreams didn't work out for next year, but maybe one day. I'm really feelin this song, but instead of New York put in....new life --

New York!!!

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,

There's nothing you can't do,

Now you're in New York!!

These streets will make you feel brand new,

the lights will inspire you,

Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

Love + Peace - ll

Same Old

With each day I don't hear from you, I miss you more, think about you more, dream about you more. It can't be this way. How can I get over you. How can I move on.

I need to remember the pain, the anger, the sadness you put me through. I didn't deserve it.

--

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light
I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t begin
To pull me back to the ground again

It’s like I’ve been awaken
Every rule I had you breakin
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I’m never gonna shut you out

Love + Peace - ll

Only Stronger

This week was real hard.

Every morning I woke up imagining you next to me, watching me, thinking of me. I went day by day, hour by hour missing you, wanting to talk to you, see you, touch you. Everywhere I went I saw your face, felt your embrace. But you're not there no more.

I need to forget. I need to get strong. I need to go.

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky

Are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Love + Peace - ll

No Air

If I should die before I wake
Its cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, its incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
Cause my world revolves around you
Its so hard for me to breathe
--

Why is it that after all the pain you've caused me, I still miss you. I think bout you all the time.

Love + Peace -ll

Songs Speak

Its as if you wrote this song yourself. This is how you said your painful goodbye. The memories come rushing back each time I hear it. Turn it off, turn it off now

-

Look we gotta talk
Dang I know
I know it's just
It's just...
Some things I gotta get of my chest alright....
Yeahhhh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa...
Listen..

Baby come here and sit down, let's talk
I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by
Saying that I love you,
But you know, this thing ain't been
No walk in the park for us
I swear it'll only take a minute
You'll understand when I finish, yeah
And I don't wanna see you cry
But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so

How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Everything I tried to remember to say
Just went out my head
So I'ma do the best I can to get you to understand
'cause I know

There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you, it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye

Girl I know your heart is breaking
And a thousand times I
Found myself asking, "Why? Why?"
Why am I taking so long to say this?
But trust me, girl I never
Meant to crush your world
And I never
Thought I would see the day we grew apart
And I wanna know

How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Girl I hope you understand
What I'm tryna say.
We just can't go on
Pretending that we get along
Girl how you not gonna see it?

Love + Peace -ll

Paints 1.0

Inspired from life - hope in God through heartbreak and trials.

--

Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you give your heart
You get it all broken up and battered
That's what you get, a heart that's shattered
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again

Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again

I'll never fall in love again ...for today

Love + Peace -ll

Back and Forth

Because of you
I tried my hardest to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain

All the progress I've made these past few weeks came down to nothing. I crumbled in his arms with tears and fear. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to let go. I completely broke down.

You left me shattered. You left me damaged. You left me dirty. You tore my life apart. You said its for the best and thats hard to believe.

But here I am piecing me back together again. God help me, guide me, be with me.

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me

Love + Peace -ll

Listen Up

Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known

Oh, Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on

I was losing myself. I was becoming what you wanted. Now I'm coming back to me and my dreams, what God has planned for me.

Love + Peace - ll

Really? REALLY?

What was up with today.

1. Woke up sad and grumpy
2. Bad attitude at work
3. Got pulled over
4. Stabbed in neck by kid playing with dowels
5. Suicidal bird runs in front of my car and got run over
6. Saw 3 more roadkills to haunt me
7. Majorly dented license plate from suicidal now dead bird
8. No samples for me at Costco
9. Sat on bench with a nice big giant puddle big enough for my bum
10. Had dinner feeling like I pee'd my pants and smelled like pool pee

really...? Really?

I need a do over for Bad Tuesday. A friends says it'll come... through Better Day Wednesday. She gets points for being optimistic.

And really? You're stuck in my head, really? Well at least its prophetic, Travie McCoy -

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire

Love + Peace -ll

Today

What I see is you.
What I see is memories.
What I see is ruined
What I feel is pain.
What I feel is hurt.
What I feel is used.

This is the only thing getting me through because God nothing is impossible to You -

Through You I can do anything
I can do all things
'Cause its You who gives me strength
Nothing is Impossible
Through You blind eyes are open
Strongholds are broken
I am living by faith
I'm not gonna live by what I see
I'm not gonna live by what I feel
Deep down I know that You're here with me
And I know that You can do anything

Love + Peace - ll

All Over the Place

Cause my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is damaged, damaged, so damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(Its that time of pain)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(That you feel deep inside)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(Its that time of pain)(That makes you pray, makes you cry)

This Danity Kane bit came to me at my step and sculpt class this morning. First note - the class. I loved the class! It was worth getting up in this awful dark morning to go. Loved that it mixed cardio and strength training, but best of all I loved all the squats we did. I'm determined to have a better finer behind. =) The instructor said something that was so enlightening. She said "of course its hard - its excercise! you're the only one that can get you there - so do it!" If I want to get the results I want, I need to put in the work. Just you see, I'll get there.

Second note - damage. I do feel like my heart is damaged and I want him to know. Today is the first day since it happened that I have cried. More than crying, I miss him that wretched person who broke my heart. I know we ended mutually and on good terms, but I was forced to this end. I feel damaged. I want to be strong because I am strong. I want to be on the high-road because I don't ride low. I want to be over it because feeling this kills my soul. I'm not there yet though because all I can think is how I need you know. (Lady Antebellum why you speak to me)

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

But you don't deserve me, not now, not anymore.

Love + Peace -ll

When Getting Slammed In the Face...

... turn around because there's another door opening up. This is true. I just didn't expect it to happen to me all of the sudden and in varying capacities. I have all these WHY? questions, but they need to stop. I am grateful that I've been taken into a whirlwind of a few days. I am beginning to understand myself a bit more. I am realizing what makes me, me and what I can do without.

I've been offered a job which I'm thankful for. I also feel incredibly honored seeing as how the pool of applicants was 80 and I beat out 12 people with Masters. This will be a challenging adventure that's for sure. But God is putting me here for a reason. Bring it on!

On another note, I still feel incredibly hurt. Everytime I think of it, I get pissed off. I gave him my heart and soul and he let it fall. He lost a good thing, he feels it, I'm sure and this is why I'm feelin this song -
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

Love + Peace - ll

What Happened

Its the hard knock life for us!
Its the hard knock life for us!
Steada treated, we get tricked
Steada kissed, we get kicked
Its the hard knock life!

Yes words from Jay-Z or Annie, whichevers your thing. I may not have it has hard as some people, but what I feel now is hard. Its just as if I got tricked and kicked and knocked down to the ground. I will get up again. I will come back stronger than before. I will show you that my heart is not something to be messed with. It will come in due time but more so God's time.

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am that God loves and cares for me. He puts me through the rough so I can be tougher. He does His ways in perfect timing. I may not always understand why, actually I never understand why. But I am in constant reminder that when I'm in this ride with God, he will never ever disappoint.

To God:
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring him praise

Love + Peace - ll