2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Forward

I still care about you. That's why every time I hear from you my heart melts and I just want to be with you again. But don't you know that what you did to me was wrong. You lied. You deceived. You played. You gave me every line in the book to make me believe that I was doing something wrong. It wasn't me though, it was you.

I don't understand what happened and I probably never will. But my life is finally coming around again. I'm finding myself. I'm laughing again. I doing things and actually doing them not just talking about them. I'm getting to spend quality time with friends and family. I'm growing closer to God and finding out what He has planned for me. I'm doing great and enjoying every moment of each day.

I will always be here for you whenever you need me. But because of the decisions you've made, I can no longer see you genuinely.

I keep you in my prayers, for you to get your life together and really know God. He's the only one that can help you, nothing or no one else. 1 John 2:4-6

--

Thank you to all my friends that have been the so great and supportive, to those who let me cry and tells me it can only get better, to those who keep me strong and moving forward. I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you for allowing me to lean on you...

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...

Love + Peace - ll

Healing Begins

Every single time I start thinking about him and everything all that was, its war and I've got the biggest baddest weapon around - my JMan Jesus.

Tenth Avenue North's song Healing Begins had me in tears several times today. I'm starting to heal and it feels good.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Love + Peace - ll

What I Have Now

One step back, two steps forward. One step forward, three steps back. My steps aren't matching up. But from now on, I've decided (with the help of friends) that my steps must be forward and forward on. I get myself hurt with all this backwards talk over and over again. Its time for a change.

Today is a new day and I've deleted you from my life. I pray that you'll get your life straight and figured out again, but I can't be there for you much more than that.

Thank you to all my friends who have reminded me constantly that my value is worth so much more and that God will give me the right man at the right time. One that will treat me the way I deserve and that will love me despite all. One that will laugh with me and that will protect me. One that will learn with me and build me up (spiritually, physically, mentally). The time I have now is dedicated to you all, to build better and greater friendships, to learn new things, and to discover my true calling in Christ. Thank you for being patient with me and there for me. I will return the favor - be sure of that!

I know that my New York dreams didn't work out for next year, but maybe one day. I'm really feelin this song, but instead of New York put in....new life --

New York!!!

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,

There's nothing you can't do,

Now you're in New York!!

These streets will make you feel brand new,

the lights will inspire you,

Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

Love + Peace - ll

Same Old

With each day I don't hear from you, I miss you more, think about you more, dream about you more. It can't be this way. How can I get over you. How can I move on.

I need to remember the pain, the anger, the sadness you put me through. I didn't deserve it.

--

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light
I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t begin
To pull me back to the ground again

It’s like I’ve been awaken
Every rule I had you breakin
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I’m never gonna shut you out

Love + Peace - ll

Only Stronger

This week was real hard.

Every morning I woke up imagining you next to me, watching me, thinking of me. I went day by day, hour by hour missing you, wanting to talk to you, see you, touch you. Everywhere I went I saw your face, felt your embrace. But you're not there no more.

I need to forget. I need to get strong. I need to go.

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky

Are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Love + Peace - ll

No Air

If I should die before I wake
Its cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, its incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
Cause my world revolves around you
Its so hard for me to breathe
--

Why is it that after all the pain you've caused me, I still miss you. I think bout you all the time.

Love + Peace -ll

Songs Speak

Its as if you wrote this song yourself. This is how you said your painful goodbye. The memories come rushing back each time I hear it. Turn it off, turn it off now

-

Look we gotta talk
Dang I know
I know it's just
It's just...
Some things I gotta get of my chest alright....
Yeahhhh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa...
Listen..

Baby come here and sit down, let's talk
I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by
Saying that I love you,
But you know, this thing ain't been
No walk in the park for us
I swear it'll only take a minute
You'll understand when I finish, yeah
And I don't wanna see you cry
But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so

How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Everything I tried to remember to say
Just went out my head
So I'ma do the best I can to get you to understand
'cause I know

There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you, it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye

Girl I know your heart is breaking
And a thousand times I
Found myself asking, "Why? Why?"
Why am I taking so long to say this?
But trust me, girl I never
Meant to crush your world
And I never
Thought I would see the day we grew apart
And I wanna know

How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Girl I hope you understand
What I'm tryna say.
We just can't go on
Pretending that we get along
Girl how you not gonna see it?

Love + Peace -ll

Paints 1.0

Inspired from life - hope in God through heartbreak and trials.

--

Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you give your heart
You get it all broken up and battered
That's what you get, a heart that's shattered
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again

Out of those chains those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again

I'll never fall in love again ...for today

Love + Peace -ll

Back and Forth

Because of you
I tried my hardest to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain

All the progress I've made these past few weeks came down to nothing. I crumbled in his arms with tears and fear. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to let go. I completely broke down.

You left me shattered. You left me damaged. You left me dirty. You tore my life apart. You said its for the best and thats hard to believe.

But here I am piecing me back together again. God help me, guide me, be with me.

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I would't fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And i feel all hope is gone,
I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me

Love + Peace -ll