Listen Up

Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known

Oh, Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on

I was losing myself. I was becoming what you wanted. Now I'm coming back to me and my dreams, what God has planned for me.

Love + Peace - ll

Really? REALLY?

What was up with today.

1. Woke up sad and grumpy
2. Bad attitude at work
3. Got pulled over
4. Stabbed in neck by kid playing with dowels
5. Suicidal bird runs in front of my car and got run over
6. Saw 3 more roadkills to haunt me
7. Majorly dented license plate from suicidal now dead bird
8. No samples for me at Costco
9. Sat on bench with a nice big giant puddle big enough for my bum
10. Had dinner feeling like I pee'd my pants and smelled like pool pee

really...? Really?

I need a do over for Bad Tuesday. A friends says it'll come... through Better Day Wednesday. She gets points for being optimistic.

And really? You're stuck in my head, really? Well at least its prophetic, Travie McCoy -

I wanna be a billionaire so fricking bad
Buy all of the things I never had
Uh, I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh
I swear the world better prepare
For when I’m a billionaire

Love + Peace -ll

Today

What I see is you.
What I see is memories.
What I see is ruined
What I feel is pain.
What I feel is hurt.
What I feel is used.

This is the only thing getting me through because God nothing is impossible to You -

Through You I can do anything
I can do all things
'Cause its You who gives me strength
Nothing is Impossible
Through You blind eyes are open
Strongholds are broken
I am living by faith
I'm not gonna live by what I see
I'm not gonna live by what I feel
Deep down I know that You're here with me
And I know that You can do anything

Love + Peace - ll

All Over the Place

Cause my heart is damaged, damaged, damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is damaged, damaged, so damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(Its that time of pain)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(That you feel deep inside)
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
(Its that time of pain)(That makes you pray, makes you cry)

This Danity Kane bit came to me at my step and sculpt class this morning. First note - the class. I loved the class! It was worth getting up in this awful dark morning to go. Loved that it mixed cardio and strength training, but best of all I loved all the squats we did. I'm determined to have a better finer behind. =) The instructor said something that was so enlightening. She said "of course its hard - its excercise! you're the only one that can get you there - so do it!" If I want to get the results I want, I need to put in the work. Just you see, I'll get there.

Second note - damage. I do feel like my heart is damaged and I want him to know. Today is the first day since it happened that I have cried. More than crying, I miss him that wretched person who broke my heart. I know we ended mutually and on good terms, but I was forced to this end. I feel damaged. I want to be strong because I am strong. I want to be on the high-road because I don't ride low. I want to be over it because feeling this kills my soul. I'm not there yet though because all I can think is how I need you know. (Lady Antebellum why you speak to me)

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

But you don't deserve me, not now, not anymore.

Love + Peace -ll

When Getting Slammed In the Face...

... turn around because there's another door opening up. This is true. I just didn't expect it to happen to me all of the sudden and in varying capacities. I have all these WHY? questions, but they need to stop. I am grateful that I've been taken into a whirlwind of a few days. I am beginning to understand myself a bit more. I am realizing what makes me, me and what I can do without.

I've been offered a job which I'm thankful for. I also feel incredibly honored seeing as how the pool of applicants was 80 and I beat out 12 people with Masters. This will be a challenging adventure that's for sure. But God is putting me here for a reason. Bring it on!

On another note, I still feel incredibly hurt. Everytime I think of it, I get pissed off. I gave him my heart and soul and he let it fall. He lost a good thing, he feels it, I'm sure and this is why I'm feelin this song -
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong
But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

Love + Peace - ll

What Happened

Its the hard knock life for us!
Its the hard knock life for us!
Steada treated, we get tricked
Steada kissed, we get kicked
Its the hard knock life!

Yes words from Jay-Z or Annie, whichevers your thing. I may not have it has hard as some people, but what I feel now is hard. Its just as if I got tricked and kicked and knocked down to the ground. I will get up again. I will come back stronger than before. I will show you that my heart is not something to be messed with. It will come in due time but more so God's time.

I cannot begin to express how grateful I am that God loves and cares for me. He puts me through the rough so I can be tougher. He does His ways in perfect timing. I may not always understand why, actually I never understand why. But I am in constant reminder that when I'm in this ride with God, he will never ever disappoint.

To God:
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring him praise

Love + Peace - ll