Trying

I have to think on the friends level. Nothing more can start if its not on the friends level. God, give me the strength to work on friends first. I'm trying hard to not get my feelings into it. Trying is the key word.

To be continued...

Who I Am Now

Its been a long hiatus friends, but I'm back. I'm a whole different person than I was in May. I'm stronger through my pain and struggles. I becoming someone who I can understand now.

The last time I've seen or heard from him was in August. I have not missed him since. Everytime I retell my story I relive the hurt, but it quickly gets overthrown by my feelings of thankfulness that God pulled me out of that distructive relationship.

I'm now 23 not anywhere close to being married. But God has a beautiful love story for me. Its just waiting for me around the corner. In the meantime I'm spending my days getting to know myself in Christ and unraveling this new me.

A dear friend introduced me to this song and it is very appropriate to where I am now - A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans [tweaked by LL].

And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you
turn around and a month's gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not givin' you an hour or a second
or another minute longer.
I'm busy gettin' stronger.

I'm gettin' on without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm gettin' stronger without you baby.

Get a little more stronger.
Just little more stronger.
A little bit; a little more;
a whole lot stronger.
I am now stronger.


Peace+Love
ll

Lead Me

What makes you think that doing what you did was ok.

What makes you think that we don't care.

What makes you think that your actions have no consequences.

What makes you think that its fair.

Now a dear friend has to go through the same nasty thing I did. Why. Why. Men you need to end it. Just end it now. It was bad with me and now someone else? When is it ever going to stop? End it now. All it does is breaks dreams, people and self-esteem. All it does is creates pain, tears, anger, and fears. All it does is makes it hard to trust someone again, to love someone again.

But you know what - the more I move forward the more I see that it was a blessing in painful disguise. Would I want you to lie next to me but not really be there? No. Would I want you to ruin our marriage? No. Would I want you to walk out on our kids? No. So even though I felt the pain, I know that I am starting to feel the blessings too, and I know that I'll continue to feel the blessings tomorrow and all the days to come.

I know you're out there my God-chosen husband-to-be. And I know that no one is perfect. But what I need is for you to notice, realize and try. Because as my best friend, my caring partner, my loving husband, a man of God and spiritual leader I need you to love and lead our family, I need you to love me and lead me...

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I am called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing dreams that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this out home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

I can't wait til the day you and I can be together and start the greatest journey of our lives.

Love + Peace - ll

If We Ever Meet Again

Just hearing from you sets me back a little. But thats when I remind myself of all that happened and its easier to forget about you.

I'll never be the same if we ever meet again - This is true, but for me its a different meaning than the original. I'm not who you knew all through our run. I'm not who you broke that day you said you were done with me. I'm not who you saw that day I cried a river in your arms. That me, that weaker more vulnerable me, has gone away and I thank you. Lyrics below with my edits.

I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again

[Just turn and walk] away - said if we ever meet again

This free fall's, got me so

[Your own loss that you let me go]

I'll never be the same

If we ever meet again.

Love + Peace - ll

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Forward

I still care about you. That's why every time I hear from you my heart melts and I just want to be with you again. But don't you know that what you did to me was wrong. You lied. You deceived. You played. You gave me every line in the book to make me believe that I was doing something wrong. It wasn't me though, it was you.

I don't understand what happened and I probably never will. But my life is finally coming around again. I'm finding myself. I'm laughing again. I doing things and actually doing them not just talking about them. I'm getting to spend quality time with friends and family. I'm growing closer to God and finding out what He has planned for me. I'm doing great and enjoying every moment of each day.

I will always be here for you whenever you need me. But because of the decisions you've made, I can no longer see you genuinely.

I keep you in my prayers, for you to get your life together and really know God. He's the only one that can help you, nothing or no one else. 1 John 2:4-6

--

Thank you to all my friends that have been the so great and supportive, to those who let me cry and tells me it can only get better, to those who keep me strong and moving forward. I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you for allowing me to lean on you...

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...

Love + Peace - ll

Healing Begins

Every single time I start thinking about him and everything all that was, its war and I've got the biggest baddest weapon around - my JMan Jesus.

Tenth Avenue North's song Healing Begins had me in tears several times today. I'm starting to heal and it feels good.

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Love + Peace - ll

What I Have Now

One step back, two steps forward. One step forward, three steps back. My steps aren't matching up. But from now on, I've decided (with the help of friends) that my steps must be forward and forward on. I get myself hurt with all this backwards talk over and over again. Its time for a change.

Today is a new day and I've deleted you from my life. I pray that you'll get your life straight and figured out again, but I can't be there for you much more than that.

Thank you to all my friends who have reminded me constantly that my value is worth so much more and that God will give me the right man at the right time. One that will treat me the way I deserve and that will love me despite all. One that will laugh with me and that will protect me. One that will learn with me and build me up (spiritually, physically, mentally). The time I have now is dedicated to you all, to build better and greater friendships, to learn new things, and to discover my true calling in Christ. Thank you for being patient with me and there for me. I will return the favor - be sure of that!

I know that my New York dreams didn't work out for next year, but maybe one day. I'm really feelin this song, but instead of New York put in....new life --

New York!!!

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,

There's nothing you can't do,

Now you're in New York!!

These streets will make you feel brand new,

the lights will inspire you,

Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

Love + Peace - ll